The only possible answer for the rush to the Arctic

Earlier this month, Russian scientists sailed into the Arctic and dropped a weighted flag to the bottom of the sea. They said that it effectively laid claim to the resource-heavy land that for years has been contested between Canada, Russia, Greenland and for some reason, the United States.

I wasn't the only one who thought the move was odd. Peter MacKay said the move smacked (a term I've successfully liberated from Dan Kaszor) of 15th and 16th century imperialism.

For other people, it has initiated what could be history's most pointless series of one-upmanship. Of course, the man behind this movement is working in Fort McMurray, and of course, the Edmonton Sun ran the story.

I think we're missing what's really going on here.

Why did the Russians pick this point in time to go out and resort to this archaic method of staking claim to land? There has to be something behind this, don't you think? Here's what I think: the Russians have a time machine.

The planting of the flag is too random. There has to be something behind it. I think after using their time machine to go forward in time, the Russians saw just how valuable the resource-heavy Arctic will become. With the world's superpowers fighting for a claim to the land, a head at the UN will say something half in jest to the effect of: "At this point, if one of these nations had just planted a flag there in an authoritative manner—because anyone can just throw a flag down on the land—like if they had traveled to the bottom of the sea years ago and put their flag down on its floor, we'd give the land to them, just to have this mess settled."

Hearing this, the Russians jumped back into their time machine and landed in 2007, where they threw together an expedition with some scientists who had little clue what they were doing (guns may have been held to their heads), and the flag was planted and the fate of the future world was sealed on August 8th, 2007.

***holy shit, the new Nelly Furtato song and video suck. It's like she's purposely making progressively shittier music and videos just to see if people will gobble it up. Unbelievable. ***

Anyway, I think someone figured all of this Russian time travel stuff out before I did. Unfortunately, the time travelers got in their machine and went back to the day before he figured it all out and took care of him. His mysterious death drew headlines last year. In sum, if I should fall victim to poisoning in the coming weeks or months, you'll know why. My death will also set in motion my first of many post-humonous musical releases. If a DJ mixes me in with Akon and Eminem, poison him/her.

The most evil thing in the world

A snippet from what I imagine to be the greasiest pitch a person's ever heard:

"What are two of the most popular things on the internet? Let me tell you: ultimate fighting and porn.

So imagine the amounts of testosterone and misogyny that could result when you put the two together."

And bangthechamp.com was born. A site that has a simple concept: "you fight, you win, you fuck the ring girl."

I don't know what else to say.